There have been many instances in which a night at your local gay pub or club hasn't been all that great and we've been victims of dreaded "serious letdowns." The complexities of going to a gay bar as a gay person are much more abundant than those of straights going to mainstream bars or clubs. We will try as best as we can and based on our experience to lay out some few tips and pointers on how to have a better evening at a gay bar, even the one you attend at a monthly, weekly, or for some, daily basis and especially if such excursions are for finding Prince Charming. First we start off with attitude. Most of our attitude towards the anticipation of going out to the gay bar or club is (or should be) that of having fun, meeting new people, saying hello to friends and the like. But lets face it, for some of us it is a chance to hopefully meet Mr. Right (or for a few of your, Mr. Right Now) and maybe "someone to call my lover." When we are faced with such wishful thinking we have to place two things together in our heads: 1) The place we are heading to: a gay bar/club, and 2) The Objective at such place: finding love. Lets look at these two things on their own. One is a place to have a drink and maybe to dance. In fact you do not need to do anything else. All you have to do as such place is just be there (granted there are many places with drink minimums) but since we are at a bar (or a club that contains a bar and everybody eventually drinks something) what we do at such place is drink refreshments with or without spirits or alcohol but usually with. Now the second thing is that we are looking for love; we find someone special that attracts us and we fall in love with such person leading to an eventual long term relationship. Now ask yourself, how are these two things even related?
For one, many people like to drink while frolicking for love being that under the influence of alcohol a person is much more at ease to be open and easy going. That is true to some extent. In actuality the majority of us who attend gay bars and clubs are not just satisfied with only one drink, but several. In the end we end up having a few drinks with our normal inhibitions being impaired. This is a problem. What if the person you are trying to impress notices how too open you are? It is fine to reveal a few things about yourself when you meet someone, but sure there are things we cannot reveal in public right? What we have experience many times is that when under the influence of alcohol we may say things that are not intended to be heard, either they make you look like a creep, stupid or an outright jerk. If you want to impress somebody it would be better to impress them when you are in your full senses.
The mixture of intoxication and impressing someone for possible love matching has always intrigued us since both things are in essence a contradiction. What may surprise you is that meeting someone doesn't have to take place only at a gay bar. Meeting Mr. Right or Mr Right Now can happen anywhere at anytime under any circumstance outside the gay bar world. We expect people to fall in love when they are coherent and in full view under more appropriate lighting to see all of the person.
But if you must seek love at the local gay watering hole then what you have to come to realize is that for the most part you will not find that special someone since you are fixating a specific event at a specific place leaving it all to chance and luck. So the science behind finding love at the gay bar is almost non-existent. However, if you want to better your chances you must first want to ask yourself how do you plan on meeting the person. Do you plan on talking more than drinking and dancing? Are you going to "hook up" in the parking lot? Is this chance encounter going to last longer after the club closes to a possible relationship? If you want something more meaningful (that means more talking and getting to know the other person) then choosing a smaller more quiet venue might be more appropriate since such places are more suitable for having more one-on-one as there will be less distractions. Also in smaller places the ambiance is more relaxed therefore bringing less tensions which means less reliance on alcohol intoxication to feel relaxed because there are less eyes looking at you. If you are looking for a one-nighter, your best chances are, of course, the big warehouses. Knowing what you want and where to go beforehand might make things more helpful for you.
Knowing what you want and what to expect can help deal some of the realities of gay nightlife, which include among many things, rejection. Rejection is part of the nightclub life, if you are not cool with being rejected then maybe looking for someone to love, especially at a bar/club, may not be the right thing for you right now. Remember, rejection just means 'no' and nothing else. When you are rejected don't think about it. Don't wonder 'why' you were rejected. Think of rejection as 'prevention.' For whatever reason the other person does not feel that you are right for him, so why be with somebody who will not be rightfully suited for you? The whole point is to be loved back as well, right? On the other side of the coin this also means that you yourself have the same right to reject someone for whatever reason. In the end rejection is not at all a bad thing, even when it hurts so much.
Once at the bar we think that the best way to get attention is not to try and get it, if that makes sense. Enter the club not with a sense that everybody must look at you, but rather a in way that respects the ritual of what you are about to undertake. In many ways attending a gay bar is much like attending church. You don't want to come in with a "bang" but more in a "happy to be here" meaningful way. Staring at someone and getting "the look" maybe something quite misunderstood by many people. Just because someone stares at you doesn't mean they are looking for the same thing you are looking for because he has no idea what you are thinking and vice-versa. If he stares at you, let him. If he stops then that should tell you that he has analyzed you and has stopped, but it doesn't mean that he is not interested, it just means he has stopped looking at you. If he had stared at you for quite some time that may mean something.
What if he's with friends? Screw the friends. Most of them are probably in the same situation as you. So why should they even be in the equation? Once you approach him or he approaches you and after you politely greet his friends (being that they might have already been talking about you) you can contain your focus on your new found catch and the friends are just background noise. Friends should only be considered serious once and if the relationship becomes serious and that is going to happen outside the walls of the bar/club.
Buying him drink? Think twice. If he comes to you and then a few minutes into the conversation he asks you to buy him a drink, don't! He is playing you for a sucker. He is a leech and probably somebody with alcohol problems. You must wait politely until someone offers you a drink. Offering him a drink should only come as an extra gesture or bonus and a sign that you are already enjoying his company. Buying drinks for people you barely talked to means that you do not need to talk to them or take their conversation serious.
If he offers you a drink that is different. First analyze when he offers you a drink. Mainly if the guy seems young and inexperience then most likely he does not know proper etiquette (you know the one we are letting you know about right now) it will be the first thing he says: "Can I buy a drink?" If he's young and inexperience it can be forgiven. You can politely decline his offer but right after that engage in conversation. Maybe this is the best way he thinks of talking to you. Sometimes though the person wants you in bed and this is his chance to do so. He buys you drinks and you accept and you go to his pad for hot action. There is nothing wrong with that but once you get into a habit like that well... it becomes a habit and nothing else. And sometimes these types habits have lead some gay men to feel depressed about the whole gay scene. That is because they have let themselves down and have not given other people who might be interested in something more meaningful a chance. So when some hot guy straight up offers you a drink out of the blue, and you accept, drink slowly. Maybe this person is something special. If he is not, he is not.
Importantly do not troll for guys. This is different from walking around. Trolling means that you are desperate for action and usually you will get somebody who is desperate for action too, and if they are desperate that must mean that they are not getting any, and one must wonder why.
Yes, be yourself - little by little. Take one step at a time and one sentence at time. Don't overwhelm your guy, for all we know maybe all he wants to do is chat with someone at the bar and nothing else. But you may never know if changes his mind after getting to know you, step by step.
Once you feel some chemistry, is it fitting to start showing some affection? That depends on what you want to accomplish. If its lust you are after then knock yourself out. But if its love you are after, hold off on the heavy stuff. Look at it this way, if you want a boyfriend which you happen to meet at a gay bar (the two contradictions we discussed earlier) the relationship is obviously going to continue outside the bar. So what is the rush? It would be like a woman who met nice guy at the bar and after they first glance eyes she begs to have his baby right there and the -- it ain't going to happen.
Something to remember: building a relationship doesn't start at a nightclub or bar, it starts the day after the hangover. So adjust accordingly.
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